At work today, I overheard someone ask what I considered a dumb question. I only consider it a dumb question because her question described my own lifestyle. "How do some people drink constantly and eat like shit, but still stay in shape?" She asked.
"Well, I get off my ass between shitty meals and all night benders," I thought to myself.
This is a reason America is faced with an obesity epidemic. It's not because we eat the aforementioned shitty foods. It is because we are lazy and stupid. Let us contemplate this for a moment. If I eat a whole pizza, I am adding its weight and non-nutrients to my body. I become what I eat. No, I will not have tomato sauce replace my blood, though that would be awesome. Instead, I will start to resemble dough covered in cheese and, due to my own pizza preference, ham. Should I remain on my ass for an extended period time, my transformation into a ham pizza will continue.
Rather than transform the pizza into fat and myself into a pizza, I choose to perform a magic trick after eating pizza. With my magical powers, I choose to transform the pizza into nothingness. How do I accomplish this? I get off my ass. I run. I lift weights. I burn the pizza and, POOF, nothing. It no longer exists. (Okay, we all know how the body works. It was not really transformed into nothing, but do I really need to use the word "piss" in two consecutive entries?)
All the pizza and beer does have a negative effect on me despite working out regularly. If I did not eat all that pizza and drink all that beer, I would be pretty damn sexy. Or at least as sexy as a dude with red hair can be. Unfortunately, though, I have become such a big fan of the cap and trade energy policy that I decided to live my life by it. In exchange for running a couple miles, I can drink twelve beers. It works for me.
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